I am sure you have heard the phrase, “I am professional; I do not have to like you to be able to work with you.” While there is obviously some level of truth to this saying, it clearly does not describe an ideal situation. The simple fact is that business is much easier to conduct when relationships amongst the players are positive. I believe that all of us find it easier to work when our professional relationships are marked with respect, trust and a positive affect.
This is the third in a series of four e-zines which are looking at what I call the foundational elements for creating a great workplace. The first of the four looked at the organizational culture, the second at the concept of productivity and the last will look at growth and advancement. This e-zine focuses on the quality of relationships under the belief that attractive workplaces are marked with great relationships. While it may be simplistic, I believe it is fundamentally true to say that all great things, at least in a business sense, flow from the quality of relationships. So what constitutes “quality?” Read on.
The Speed of Trust is a new book by Stephen M. R. Covey. The basic premise of this book is that business transactions and business activity all work more efficiently when there is a high level of trust in the relationship of the players. He makes a very compelling argument. In the absence of trust, everything slows down while the parties go to great lengths to do their “due diligence.” I have always believed that trust, in the context of business activities, is a reflection of reliability. Or, how about this from Confucius: If language is not in accordance with the truth of things, then affairs cannot be carried on to success. Double speak will destroy trust very quickly.
In 2005 Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman released their book First Break All the Rules: What the World’s Greatest Managers do Differently. Based on a massive amount of data collected by the Gallup organization, this book explores what organizations successfully do to keep their top performers. Not surprisingly, having a great relationship with one’s supervisor and having a close friend at work are two of the top five reasons why top performers stay.
One of the series of courses in the MBA program that I teach at Portland State University is in the area of labor relations. Does it surprise you at all for me to say that the quality of the relationship between the labor organization and the management is a critical component in how quickly and effectively they are able to resolve problems? If their relationship is strained, marked with distrust and full of animus, problem solving is often a tortured event. On the other hand, even when disagreement is substantial, where the parties respect each other they are far more likely to successfully work through the problem and find a solution acceptable to both.
Enough talk about why quality relationships are an essential part of a great workplace. The important question focuses on what can be done to create positive relationships. I have a thought or two to share with you in response.
To begin, I read somewhere in the distant past that many of the effective approaches to improving the quality of relationships are counter-intuitive. That is, these approaches involve doing the exact opposite of what we feel like doing. One of my favorite Abraham Lincoln quotes is his statement, “I find when I do not like a man that I need to get to know him better.” This is what I believe is meant by counter-intuitive. I usually find that when I do not like a man, the last thing in the world I want to do is to get to know him better (think of your favorite political whipping person). Yet most of us, when we study the matter, probably agree with the sentiment expressed by Lincoln.
Also, what I have found about building relationships is that the Robert Sutton book, The Knowing-Doing Gap definitely applies – knowing what to do is easy; it is the doing that is hard. Don Miguel Ruiz, in his marvelous book The Four Agreements, repeats on a number of occasions that each of the “agreements” are simple, very powerful and hard to do; with the first (be impeccable with your word) being the hardest.
I agree and, therefore, put before you three simple, powerful, counter-intuitive and hard to do suggestions.
First, Roger Fisher and Scott Brown, in their book Getting Together: Building a Relationship that Gets to Yes provides two key thoughts. They argue that a quality relationship should be pursued separately from the business issues that are being dealt with. Trying to build a relationship at the same time that one is dealing with a sticky business problem is difficult at best. Moreover, it is possible to build and maintain a good relationship even where the parties disagree on an issue. Respectful disagreement is possible and in almost every case will lead to better solutions and outcomes than disrespectful disagreement.
Additionally, Fisher and Brown are great proponents of what they call “unconditionally constructive behavior.” This is what I consider to be the counter-intuitive aspect of what they are proposing. Typically, we condition our constructive behavior upon the positive behavior of the other party. If they are less than honest, we are less than honest with them. If they fail to consult with us, we choose not to consult with them. According to Fisher and Brown, everyone loses when you participate in this game. One engages in unconditionally constructive behavior because it is in your best interest to do so. There is no benevolence or altruism involved. For example, one acts reliably even if the other acts unreliably because to act reliably is in your best interest. There are no positive payoffs from acting unreliably regardless of what the other party is doing.
Second, dealing with grumpy, grouchy, demanding people is frustrating and usually produces personal fantasies filled with revenge themes – how can I best get even with this person. Here is a counter-intuitive idea from the book and training film titled Fish! One of the most popular training films ever and based on a fish market at the famous Pike Place Street Market in Seattle, Washington, Fish! encourages us to “make the day” of the contentious person. Instead of “getting even” strategies, why not pursue the goal of making the individual’s interaction with yourself the best part of that person’s day? Two amazing things happen when you pursue this goal. One is that you may find an astonishing transformation in the person you are dealing with. The other is that you will feel much better personally when pursuing a positive strategy as opposed to being consumed by negative thoughts and actions.
Remember what I said earlier: these are simple, powerful concepts that are difficult to implement. It is hard to want to “make the day” of a person standing in front of you who is doing everything possible to make your day miserable.
Finally, I want to set forth Robert Greenleaf’s thoroughly discussed topic of servant leadership. Greenleaf’s work emphasizes that leadership is most effective when it is not viewed as power over subordinates, but rather is seen as being in service to those around you. Since Greenleaf’s original work in the nineteen eighties, there have been a multitude of other books written on the same subject. The point is always the same: being in service is far more effective than lording it over.
Applying the same reasoning to relationships, I would like to promote servant relationships. Tim Sanders' book Love is the Killer App provides excellent ideas on how one can properly express love in the workplace by being in service. Sanders believes that love is the killer app because it ultimately is the most powerful business tool.
A closing thought; Robert Heinlein is one of my favorite science fiction writers. Before his death he wrote almost 100 books. His best known character is a man by the name of Lazarus Long (still living at the age of 3,000). Lazarus Long is an interstellar warrior along the lines of Hans Solo. There is a little book called The Famous Quotations of Lazarus Long and in it you will find:
Always remember this; your enemy is not wrong in his own eyes. If you keep this in mind you may be able to make him your friend. If not kill him, but not with hate.
Whenever I use this quote I always remind the audience that on a planet far, far away killing may not be a problem. On earth it is a different matter. So, go easy on the killing part. There are two aspects of the quote, however, which I am very fond of. First, there is the counter-intuitive concept of turning your enemy into your friend. Second, and a good place to end this column, hate is a sure destroyer of relationships and it has no positive outcomes. Even when an organization is confronted with the necessity to take decisive action against an employee, a negative affect does not have to be a part of that process.
